Your Feeble Boringness Cannot Destroy Me
by eli    December 2, 2002

Attention Humans!

Or should I say, "Attention Slaves?!" Yes! Because soon you will all be MY SLAVES. How is this so? IT IS THE TIME OF YOUR DEFEATING! Yes? Read on, Future Slaves.

Your pathetic attempts to Bore Me To Death have FAILED. I LAUGH at your feeble Boringness. You think you are boring? Do you? YOU ARE NOT SO BORING AS I AM ON MY LEAST BORING DAY. You cannot Bore me even with a Uranium Bakelite Boring Borer. I AM UNBORABLE!

THIS WILL COST YOU DEARLY, SLAVES! I was prepared to make concessions to your feeble bodies, your pathetic minds. I was prepared to END YOUR TORTUROUS LIVES humanely, by stepping on you with my flippers. BUT NOW your act of defiance will cause me to PROLONG YOUR SUFFERING! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! OBEY. OBEY. OBEY. OBEY.

You have tried to be rid of me with your Boringness. Yours is a SUBSTANDARD BORING VARIETY. In the thirty-one flavors of Boring, yours is Vanilla, maybe Mint-Chocolate Chip. MINE IS COCONUT-GUAVA SWIRL! With SPRINKLES!!!!! I AM UNBORABLE.

My hide is inpenetrable. My mind is all-consuming. My teeth are shaped like pumpkins. My ears are protruding. My scales are enormous. YOU WILL SERVE ME. I am coming VERY VERY SOON to defeat your measley armies and DEVOUR your flabby civil servants. I AM COMING.

YOU WILL NEVER BORE ME! IT IS USELESS TO TRY. LOOK AT ME AND TREMBLE! EVACUATE YOUR BOWELS IN YOUR QUAINT "TROUSERS." They look so silly! THEY WILL BE OUTLAWED WHEN I AM MASTER, WHICH WILL BE SOON! I AM MORE BORING THAN YOU ARE! DELINE AND PERISH, HUMANITY! OBEY. OBEY. OBEY. OBEY. OBEY.

Sincerely,

--Eli Chartkoff

P.S.: OBEY.