Swiffing® My Life Away
by joseph
May 28, 2002
Friends, do yourselves a favor right now. Don't wait even one instant. Go
out, leave the house, put some pants on and mosey on down to the warehouse
superstore of your choice and pick up a Swiffer®. Everyone will thank
you -- you will thank yourself; you will for once set aside that nagging
feeling that you are not good enough, that the choices you have made in your
life have amounted to less than they (in a universe better suited to a
mercurial individual like yourself) should be. Frankly, a Swiffer® will make
you happy -- for $25, only a rock of crack or your mother can provide more in
the way of pure pleasure.
Do not let yourself be put off by its seeming strangeness -- "What is this
contraption?" you ask. "Where are the ropy strands or sponge by which,
drawing signified from signifier, I could say that this is a mop,
irremediably?" Do not allow such close-minded attitudes to sway you from the
Swiffer®. Perhaps its name you find grating; you find corporations who
engage in word-munging distasteful. Might I then recommend the Pledge®
concern's similar product known as the Grab-It®, although perhaps you find
corporations who engage in the practice of trademarking perfectly common and
ordinary verb-object combinations (and inserting a hyphen, no less)
off-putting, in which case may I suggest that it's time you get a life, stop
being such a pedantic stick-in-the-mud, and focus on the bold new future of
cleaning.
Your floors will thank you, as well as your deep-seated belief that cleaning
should be conducted in both wet and dry (non-wet) contexts. The Swiffer®
will slide; it will slough; it will induce you to frenzied heights of
cleanliness which will leave you dizzy but exhilirated.
Keep on swiffing', America®. Thank you for your time in reading this essay
on the benefits of using the Swiffer®.
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