President Bush Ups the Ante
Sept 30, 2001
In a surprising move yesterday afternoon, US President George W. Bush took another step in the escalation of his war on terrorism. On top of calling up thousands of reservists, sending troops and military machines into the Middle East, freezing the assets of suspected terrorists and renaming his war project "Enduring Freedom," Bush dramatically upped the serious-o-meter of his activities by calling on the patriotism of Red Robot.
"All Americans must do their part," declared the President. "I think Red Robot is an American. He's red. That's one of our three American colors. And he's got blinking blue and white diodes inside his metal belly. Or so I've imagined. How much more American can you get?"
Bush went on to sketch out the role he imagined Red Robot playing in America's near future. "He'll use his rocket pack to fly over the Hindu Kush mountains, thereby circumventing the dangerously unpredictable weather and multiple ambush opportunities of the Khyber Pass, while avoiding radar, since his physical profile is much smaller than that of conventional aircraft." Bush stated, while illustrating with a sweeping gesture the plan he'd drawn in green crayon on the Oval Office wall, "He'll then touch down at the nearest of Bin Laden's terrorist training camps and wreak his terrible metal havoc!"
"Afterward," he said, "he'll waive his arms frantically and say 'Danger, Bin Laden-son, Danger!'"
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld wept softly throughout the presentation.
When pressed for further details and long term plans for Red Robot, and how the Administration felt about utilizing the skills of an entity often accused of crushing people without cause and who has often attempted World Domination himself, Bush ran into the Oval Office bathroom and locked the door.
Red Robot was reached for comment on the steps of the Marin County Courthouse, where he'd just been found not guilty of the crushing of seven people by reason of gross mechanical failure.
"I do not know this hu-man, George Bush," said Red Robot. "But I cannot be ruled by any meat-creatures. I crush all hu-mans indiscriminately. I do not single out any one hu-man or group of hu-mans for crushing. Except perhaps for Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell - them I single out. Laying the blame for the terrorist attacks on homosexuals and pro-choice groups raises my fearsome digital ire."
Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell could not be reached for comment.
(Red Robot belongs to exploding dog.)