by joseph
Mar 18, 2001

You don't have to be a "distinguished member of the Academy," or really even very smart at all to successfully divine this year's Oscar winners. Here, I'll show you:

BEST PICTURE:
I haven't seen any of these movies, but I think Traffic should win because I lived in Seattle for a short period of time, and I know how bad traffic can be, and so I think any movie that tries to deal with that problem should be applauded. Besides, how could they award it to Chocolat when it's misspelled, or Erin Brockovich which could be misspelled but nobody would know, or Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon because it's made by communists.

BEST DIRECTOR:
I haven't seen any of these movies and so really can't say, but that Steven Soderbergh has good odds.

BEST ACTOR:
I haven't seen any of these movies but I think either Ed Harris or Tom Hanks should win because you can do a one-step move to Kevin Bacon from either of them (Apollo 13) and in my opinion there is only one past, present and future of American cinema and its name is Kevin Bacon.

BEST ACTRESS:
Honestly, not only have I not seen any of these movies, but Julia Roberts is the only one that I would recognize on the street. Lara Linney and Ellen Burstyn I'd probably go "Isn't that someone famous?" but I'd have to stare at them a long time and pretty soon they'd start to feel uncomfortable and since they're famous I'm sure they'd have someone who DID know who they are come over and beat on me, so all that considered I'd have to go for Juliette Binoche because it takes a lot of guts to be in a movie where even the title is misspelled.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
I think this category should be Best Supported Actor and given to whomever was jiggling around the least down there during the actual filming. This would be unfair, though, because even with the best jock strap you've got to figure that doing an action movie and running around is going to cause a lot more swingin' than one of those talking-head type dramas. But I've got to cross my fingers for Albert Finney because he was really good in Looker, that Michael Crichton movie from 1981 with James Coburn and Susan Dey.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
I never saw any of these movies, but if Kate Hudson wins maybe they'll show her give her Mom a big kiss and a hug, and that's a lot of masturbatory fuel right there. But you've also got to hope for Frances McDormand, because she was in Fargo with Steve Buscemi and Buscemi was in Con Air with Nicholas Cage and Nicholas Cage was in Leaving Las Vegas with Elizabeth Shue and Elizabeth Shue was in Hollow Man, which was the latest (and completely overlooked) opus from none other than KEVIN BACON!